First, look at this baby again:

I know, right?

Okay, now, at long last, let us get with the preggo misses.  Theses are the things that were recommended to me that I found to be useless, taxing, or just plain not awesome.  I’m sure there are five mamas who love each of the following for every one who doesn’t, but listen kids – my blog, my opinion.  And thus, I opine –

1.) What to Expect When You’re Expecting – If I had been in charge of naming this book, I’d have called it “What to be terrified about when you’re trying desperately not to be terrified.”  You’re better off not.  You’re simply better off not.

2.) Insane food restrictions: Yes, exercise a bit of caution and most certainly eat well, but here’s the list of things I ate occasionally while pregnant: sushi, pineapple, mango, a wide variety of teas, coffee, lunch meat (cold!  Once even room temperature!), three hot dogs, a tuna melt here and there, and a bunch of other things that I’m sure I wasn’t supposed to.  See above for quality of baby produced.  The bottom line here, kids, is ask Why? when you’re told not to do something.  Once you know the reason behind the restriction, you can make educated choices.  Sushi, for example, is risky for two reasons: listeria or other food borne bacteria (so, food poisoning) and mercury.  If you’re eating sushi at a reputable establishment, chances are they aren’t having regular listeria outbreaks.  Matter of fact, you’re more likely to get listeria from cantalope or leafy greens.  And to avoid crazy amounts of  mercury, all you have to do is eat small fish instead of giant ones – choose salmon over tuna, for example, and maybe don’t eat sushi every day.  Ask why, then make your own decisions.  Don’t let anybody bully you.  Your body, your baby, your call.

3.) Most maternity clothes.  I really preferred to wear stretchy, non-maternity clothes like leggings and jersey dresses – comfy, reusable, cheaper, better.  Maternity clothes just made me feel like a house.  And not a brick one.  A house of lard.

4.) A stockpile of diapers, bottles, or pacifiers.  Bottom line, folks: these items are kid preference specific.  The kind of diapers that looks great on the shelf might leak all over the place when worn by your skinny legged bambino.  Your baby might hate the trendy spendy bottles and love the Playtex old school kind you’d rather not use in public.  Fae has flat out rejected her all natural rubber $8 pacifier but loves the good ole NUKs you buy at the grocery store.  Avoid getting tons of anything until you know what your baby likes.

5.) Demanding baby shower demands.  This is not going to be a very popular opinion, but here’s the truth as I see it: Asking your friends to bring a book instead of a card is asking for TWO presents.  Cards are optional and cost about $2.  The average children’s book will run your girlfriend $15-$20.  Asking your friends to bring diapers and a gift is asking for TWO presents – raffle or no raffle.  If you’re comfortable with that, more power to you.  Just remember that gifts are, well, gifts, yes?  Practice gratitude instead of entitlement.  Damn the man, save the Empire.

There you have it!  The best and worst of my nine months of baby cooking.  We’ll do this whole bit again when Fabes hits 6 months to discuss the hits and misses of outside baby life and how to be the hero of the next baby shower you attend.  Mark my words.