Tonight Caper and I were walking around the city, listening and thinking, as we do best at night while walking in the city.
I was thinking about how it feels sometimes as though I’ve lived several lifetimes in my short life. I have been the sort who changes things so drastically, blows massive holes in my routines again and again just to see where the pieces fall. Funny, really, because though I think I’ve grown as a person, I don’t feel I’ve really changed much… just changed my surroundings, trying to make something fit.
I lose myself, always, in the transition… I become someone I’m not, forget who I was, and take six months off from my life to dabble in a new idea of what I could be. But I seem to return always to the same girl I have always been… hopelessly optimistic, shamelessly geeky, equal parts self-conscious watcher and know-it-all. I try to balance this me with the new setting and often feel the need to start the whole process over again.
Sometimes I think I had it right before I started trying to figure it out.
Strangely enough, I think Facebook worsens this cycle… suddenly I’m faced, daily, with every person I’ve known in every lifetime I’ve lived, everyone who has known me in every different phase, and I can watch them. I know how they are, where they are, what their new dog likes to chew, how they wear their hair. It’s living my whole life all at once… a different person to all who know me, and different version for every year. Karyn 2.0, 3.7, 8.4…
I am always trying to be her, the girl you thought I was. That girl, the one who I’ve always been, the one I’ve always been running away from, she’s the one I’m chasing. I’ll keep trying to become her, get back to her. She trusted the answers… she knew exactly who I am.